So, I'll admit this is pretty lowbrow, but it still amuses me. Picture a banjo in the background and I think this would make for a pretty funny country style song. It does owe a debt to the songs of C.W. McCall of "Convoy" fame. So with my apologies, here's "Earl."
Me an’ Earl was up at black bear lake
He was takin’ a leak and shakin’ the snake
When a bear come out and bit him on the wang
That bear was better ‘an a black an decker
It bit right through poor Earl’s pecker
And then took off a runnin’ through the woods
I said “Earl we got a problem here
Your willy’s run off with that bear.”
But he was just a cryin’ on the ground
Damn you gotta help me son!
Get my Johnson, grab your gun
And don’t you let that dang bear get away
My daddy didn’t raise little Earl Lee
To be man that had to sit to pee
I can’t go back to town without my thing.
So I took off runnin’ down the trail
Fifteen yards behind it’s tail
But damn that bear was faster than it looked
And in it’s mouth Earl’s manhood hung
Floppin’ ‘round like a mutant tongue
And the bear run off the trail into the woods
Them trees were thicker ‘an grass on a lawn
I was stumblin’ through ‘em like a new born fawn
That bear was getting smaller all the time
It must have been an hour or more
My breathin’ hurt, my legs were sore
But’ round here friends don’t let each other down
I lost my gun while crossin’ a crick
And one of my shoes to get this prick
I was startin to think this bear had maybe won
When all of a sudden, what did I see?
That stupid bear climbed up a tree
I got you know you hairy son of bitch
Well I chased ya over hill and hollow
Now drop that…Wait! No! please don’t swallow!
And I swear that bear just looked me in the eye
I though it was over, but I was wrong
It opened it’s mouth and dropped Earl’s dong
And I was too damn tired to even move
My heart was poundin’ from the chase
As Earl’s weiner just missed my face
And with plop it landed on the ground
It looked like a piece of hamburger beef
I picked it up with a stick and a leaf
Then I turned and looked up in the tree
Well Bear, I guess you met your match
But you didn’t leave much to reattach
I don’t think ol Earl’ll be too pleased
He won’t have kids, can’t please his wife
On second thought, how’s that change his life?
I made it back to camp just after dark
I’m sure that there’s a lesson here
Like don’t get your winky bit off by a bear
But I’m pretty sure that goes without my sayin’
And Earl? I guess he’s doin’ fine
He’s fixin’ trucks on five and vine
I guess the doctors did all they could do
He’s a good mechanic and he ain’t no fool
But his garage is always shy one tool.
Any way I told ya all I know
So if you go up to black bear lake
Then watch for bears for heaven’s sake
And oh yeah, take a leak before you go.
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