Verse EARL

So, I'll admit this is pretty lowbrow, but it still amuses me. Picture a banjo in the background and I think this would make for a pretty funny country style song. It does owe a debt to the songs of C.W. McCall of "Convoy" fame. So with my apologies, here's "Earl."

Me an’ Earl was up at black bear lake

He was takin’ a leak and shakin’ the snake

When a bear come out and bit him on the wang

That bear was better ‘an a black an decker

It bit right through poor Earl’s pecker

And then took off a runnin’ through the woods

I said “Earl we got a problem here

Your willy’s run off with that bear.”

But he was just a cryin’ on the ground

Damn you gotta help me son!

Get my Johnson, grab your gun

And don’t you let that dang bear get away

My daddy didn’t raise little Earl Lee

To be man that had to sit to pee

I can’t go back to town without my thing.

So I took off runnin’ down the trail

Fifteen yards behind it’s tail

But damn that bear was faster than it looked

And in it’s mouth Earl’s manhood hung

Floppin’ ‘round like a mutant tongue

And the bear run off the trail into the woods

Them trees were thicker ‘an grass on a lawn

I was stumblin’ through ‘em like a new born fawn

That bear was getting smaller all the time

It must have been an hour or more

My breathin’ hurt, my legs were sore

But’ round here friends don’t let each other down

I lost my gun while crossin’ a crick

And one of my shoes to get this prick

I was startin to think this bear had maybe won

When all of a sudden, what did I see?

That stupid bear climbed up a tree

I got you know you hairy son of bitch

Well I chased ya over hill and hollow

Now drop that…Wait! No! please don’t swallow!

And I swear that bear just looked me in the eye

I though it was over, but I was wrong

It opened it’s mouth and dropped Earl’s dong

And I was too damn tired to even move

My heart was poundin’ from the chase

As Earl’s weiner just missed my face

And with plop it landed on the ground

It looked like a piece of hamburger beef

I picked it up with a stick and a leaf

Then I turned and looked up in the tree

Well Bear, I guess you met your match

But you didn’t leave much to reattach

I don’t think ol Earl’ll be too pleased

He won’t have kids, can’t please his wife

On second thought, how’s that change his life?

I made it back to camp just after dark

I’m sure that there’s a lesson here

Like don’t get your winky bit off by a bear

But I’m pretty sure that goes without my sayin’

And Earl? I guess he’s doin’ fine

He’s fixin’ trucks on five and vine

I guess the doctors did all they could do

He’s a good mechanic and he ain’t no fool

But his garage is always shy one tool.

Any way I told ya all I know

So if you go up to black bear lake

Then watch for bears for heaven’s sake

And oh yeah, take a leak before you go.