I ain’t Catholic or nuthing, but my friend Luanne says you got a God on speed dial and there’s something I got to ask him real bad. So I was wondering if maybe you could pass on a message for me? If you’re too busy please tell God that I’ll be praying to him Thursday night at nine pm and again on Friday morning at eleven am (Just in case he missed the first one and doesn’t have a prayer Tivo.)
Anyway, about two weeks ago Peter Raymond asked me to the dance at Hoppner’s and asked if I would wear that blue dress he likes. The thing is, I ain’t got no blue dress and what’s more I never had no blue dress, least not since I was nine and I didn’t know Peter Raymond when I was nine. Now Billi Ferner has a blue dress, I know cause it’s her favorite and she wears it all the time. Now Pope, I don’t know if God already told you all this, but I got to know if Peter Raymond maybe thought my violet dress was blue, or if he’s been seeing Billi Ferner behind my back, because if he has I ain’t going to no Hoppner’s dance with him. The skunk.
My friend Luanne say’s you live all the way over in that country that looks like a boot, so I hope you get this in time. You know that country has always bothered me cause it’s just one boot. Boots come in pairs. Where’s the other boot? It’s not God to just make one boot. Even folks who lose their leg get one of them fake ones so they have something to put the other boot on. I ain’t never seen a person wearing one boot lest they about to put on another…or maybe one of them pirates from the old days who had one boot and a stick on the other leg. But that’s just dumb. How hard is it to carve a foot on that stick so they have something to put the other boot on?
Also I don’t know if they listen to country music over there in Bootistan or whatever it’s called, but there’s this really pretty song about a woman who’s driving down the road with her little baby. Then she loses control of the car and it goes sliding and everyone thinks she’s going to die. But you know what happens? Jesus comes down from heaven and take over the driving and she gets safely home. How come they don’t teach about this in the Bible? I take comfort from this. It used to be that I’d go out and get real hammered on the weekends (and some weeknights) and then I would have to wait for Peter Raymond to give me a ride home because he only drinks beer and I like Jack Daniels, everyone knows that Jack’ll get you drunker ‘en beer. Anyway Now I don’t have to wait for stupid old Peter Raymond, cause if I’m too drunk to drive and it looks like I might crash, I know Jesus will take the wheel and drive me home. It’s like the Lord is my designated driver. Anyway it’s a good song and I think you should give it a listen, it’s by that girl on the singing show.
That’s all for now. Please pass on my message to God and thanks.
- Lisa Jean Hammond
P.S. I just gotta ask. Is it that pointy hat that lets you talk to God? I won’t tell no one, but I just might try making one for myself if it is. I won’t interrupt your talks with God though, I know you was in line first.
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