Misc CORN GOD

Ah yup, call Sheriff Hulry. Them damn kids are in the cornfield again, drinkin’ beer and worshipping their corn god. I told ‘em last time I’d call the law if they came back and I’m a man of mah word. It’s mah farm, not a damn church. Let ‘em grow their own corn if they’re so all fired up about this corn god. Oh, and make sure to tell the sheriff to tell them kids to take the empty cans with ‘em with time, I’m not their maid.

Misc INTRODUCTION TO A ZOMBIE STORY

I found out I was the luckiest god damned man alive a bit too late. I mean I got my wish. I’m not talking about some stupid everyday wish that might come true, like, I wish I could find a parking space or I wish I get a raise. Those things can happen, they do, everyday to someone. My wish was something else, and I’ll bet it hasn’t happened to any bastard before in all of time.

Maybe I should back up a bit. Thing is, I caught my wife cheating on me. I thought she had been for some time, the no good gold digging bitch. So I bought a gun from some guy I know, untraceable. I caught her and her “friend” doing it my bed. And this is where my wish comes in. Sure as hell they were surprised to see me, even more surprised to see the gun. God I love just thinking about that look on their faces. I think he peed…Fuckin’ comedy gold right there. Anyway, as I leveled the gun at them, him first I said “My only wish is that I fucking kill you and you come back from the dead so I can fucking kill you again.” I mean come on, I was pissed.

I heard a stomach wound was a pretty miserable way to go from this old vet that I used to know. So, that’s where I let the lead go. Shit! Talk about blood! I didn’t actually expect that much. I also didn’t expect that the moaning would bother me as much as it did. I let her look at her boyfriend for a bit before I gave her the same and then finished them both of with one to the heart each.

There I was, standing in my bedroom wondering how I was to clean this shit up, worrying about luminal and crap when those two fuckers started to move. What the hell? I mean this was point blank, aint know way even I’m going to miss any vitals at that range. They were dead, fucking dead. Only now they weren’t…and I remembered my wish. God dammit, if I had known it would have come true I wouldn’t have wasted it on these two losers, I’d have wished myself a billion dollars and a yacht full of hotties. But here I was, my wish came true and I had to kill these worthless fucks one more time. I brought up the gun, aimed at what’s his fucks head and pulled the trigger. Blammo! Fucking brains on the head board. Great, even more mess to clean up.

My wife, that is ex wife, or recently not so departed wife was clawing her way to a sitting postion. Her otherwise blue eyes were a cloudy white and her mouth was open in a kind of hungry slack jawed gape. She was looking around the room. One hand fell on her boy toys broken head and she pulled up a hand full of brains. I was thinking, what the fuck? She must had totally lost it. Then she brought her hand to her mouth, shoved in a handful dipshits grey matter and turned to face me. With a rasping, guttural shriek she lunged at me, but the blood soaked sheets caught her foot and she fell off the end of the bed. I shot her in the back. She looked up at me. I pulled the trigger again. Click. Fuck. Who plans on carrying more than a full gun to take out two naked shits? Not me. I ran for the bedroom door.

Misc INTRODUCTION TO A GHOST STORY

Prologue

Sara awoke with a start, disoriented and still very tired. The wind whipped around the house, moaned down the chimney and howled it’s fury through the trees. It wasn’t those sounds that awoken her, but another almost rhythmic sound heard far away through the cacophony.   Bang, bang, there it was again. The barn door! The barn door was open, she must have failed to latch it correctly and the wind did the rest. Her thoughts went immediately to her horse Blizzard. Jumping out of bed she ran to the window. Through the swirl of leaves and driving rain she could see nothing,  that is until a flash of lightning painted a stark picture. The door was caught in mid swing, she could see her father, holding a lantern approaching the barn, fighting against the terrible wind.

Sara began to sob. The storm had started around noon the day before. Word had reached them that the river had flooded and the bridge out of town had been washed away. If Blizzard was out, he may run towards the river out of fear and be swept away.

Another bright flash of lightning illuminated the scene before her.

Through the trees she could see something white, moving slowly. Blizzard! She opened the window and tried to scream over the sound of the storm. Rain hit her like cold birdshot. Leaves swept into the room and flew in circles all about her. She pointed toward the trees and tried to get her father to hear her. It was useless. In her fear and excitement she didn’t even notice that the rain had soaked through her nightgown and clung to her like white seaweed.

The next burst of lightning revealed her father heading towards the woods. He must have seen her horse there too. She could still see it, sturdy white hind quarters moving through the swaying pine trees. She saw her father one last time as he stepped in after the animal, the after image burned onto her retinas.

She waited for what seemed a very long time. Peering into the darkness she willed herself to see in the dark, but saw only blackness. Thunder boomed in the surrounding hills and lightning struck a tree not far from the house. There was a sudden burst of flame and then it was extinguished by the relentless rain. In that flash she saw her horse Blizzard approaching the house, alone, head hung down. She leaned out of the window and called for him as loudly as she could, then stopped. She wasn’t sure but something seemed to be wrong. It didn’t look exactly like Blizzard. It might have been a trick of the light, or her own anxiety working against her but she could have sworn that this horse was much larger than Blizzard, the size of a draft horse or bigger. Blizzard was a smaller horse, perfect for a sixteen year old to ride and control. There was also something in the way it moved…something not horse-like.

A wave of uncertain fear swept through her. She closed the window and stepped back. The horse would be at the house now, just under her window, but something was keeping her from looking. She thought to herself how foolish this was, what if the horse was hurt or in trouble? She was shivering uncontrollably now, she told herself it was from the cold and moved to open the window.

That’s when it happened.

The white creature below must have stood on its hind legs, pale almost human hands, though much larger clamped down on the windowsill, claws tearing through the wood.

Sara tried to scream but found her voice frozen behind chattering teeth. Slowly, an long white horse-like head rose into view. It’s nostrils flared and hot steam fogged the window for a moment. Pale eyes, like blue sky reflected on ice stared at her. They were not a horses dark kind eyes, but human eyes, cold and full of hate.  It’s muzzle parted in a grin revealing a row of large sharp teeth, stained red with blood and flecked with strands of meat.

“Father…” was all Sara said before fainted.

She didn’t hear the glass break, or see the long arms reaching toward her. She never felt the claws dig into her cold wet skin. She never felt anything again.

Misc MR. MUMPS

“Then there’s the smell.”

Mumps lowered the open book to his lap and peered over his reading glasses. The little bald man sitting in the chair across from him looked startled for a moment. Mumps enjoyed coming to the bookstore to read on Sundays and wasn’t very pleased to find someone addressing him.

“Pardon me?” Asked Mumps.

The little man swallowed and looked nervously from side to side.

“They smell. They smell badly.”  He continued, speaking in a precise but apologetic manner.

Mumps closed his book and considered the man for a moment.

“Who smells badly?” He asked.

The little man waited until a couple walked past them. He looked around to make sure that no one else was within earshot and whispered “Dead people.”

“Yes, so I have heard.” Offered Mumps, reaching for his coffee.

“I mean…It’s not so bad when they’re fresh and the weather is cold.”

“I would imagine so.”

“But on hot days it’s unbearable.”

Mumps took a sip of the coffee and set it back down.

“Excuse me Mr…” Mumps allowed time for the little man to fill in his name.

“Mr. Skitter.”

“Yes, Mr. Skitter. I don’t mean to come across as rude or unfriendly, but why exactly are you telling me this?”

Mr. Skitter swallowed and leaned forward. He once again looked around to make sure no one was nearby. “I know who you are.”

“Have we met?”

“No Mr. Mumps, we have not. But I am familiar with your…work.” He paused before saying the word ‘work’ to add more meaning to it.

“My work?” Asked Mr. Mumps, seemingly confused.

“Your…work.” Stated Mr. Skitter. Again there was the pause before the word.

Misc HERO STORY START

I grew up in the suburbs when that still meant barbeques and neighborhood kick the can games. That was before cul de sacs became literal dead ends. That was before the US government legalized forced poverty in order to make the rich richer. That was when we could still call the police or the fire department or an ambulance and have them actually show up.

That was when we actually had schools to go to that weren’t named after a corporation. That was when we were still that land of the free and the home of the brave.

I was too young to know why the neighbor houses went empty, why my friends had to move away. I was too young to know why I felt suddenly so alone. We lived in the only house that still had it's lights on at night. We might as well have lived in another country.

All of this was before the CIA or the “Corporate Insurance Act”, what we called the “Corporate Indulgence Act” whereby corporations could pay a simple fee based on the laws they had broken. The money went to the government. My family never saw a cent when our water went bad. All we received when my sister died was a letter that let us know the company responsible had paid their fine.

This is why I am who I am. This is why I am a criminal. This is why I became a "murderer". This is why I am wanted.

I think the day my name was mentioned along with Thomas Jefferson as a terrorist against the state was the proudest of my life, the second proudest…Well, that’s my story.

It started when a corporation was declared an actual entity, the same as a person, but unlike a person a corporation could not be thrown in prison, did not have to answer for it’s crimes. Those who actually committed the crimes never paid the price. To be sure, certain sacrificial lambs were offered up in the old days, but soon even that farce stopped.

Soon after, the companies were allowed to invest their money in political campaigns…as if they were individual citizens. Most of these companies weren’t even based in the USA.  

Misc THE ODIOUS MAN

And so you can well understand , when I learned that in order to continue our journey we must spend several days aboard a steamer bound for Rangoon with that Odious man, well, I was bit upset to say the least. Not as upset as Miss Hoblin, however, who the Odious man had, on a previous leg of the journey had named “The Jacobean Spinster.” Why he should have chosen this name is a mystery. I will admit that being an unmarried woman in her late fifties perhaps does make her a spinster, but to call attention to this with such a name is cruel and uncalled for. And as for being a Jacobean, there has been no evidence to that effect.

Also on that previous part of our travels I had intercepted young Miss Bingham, in tears, heading toward her cabin. When I had asked what the matter was, she had told me that the odious man had approached her on the starboard deck in order to discuss the weather. But Young Miss Bingham had been so distracted by the size of the man’s nose that she doesn’t remember the conversation at all, only that she feared the odious man would ask for her hand in marriage and should she accept (an occurrence we both agreed was unlikely to the point of being an impossibility) , their offspring would be born with enormous noses of their own and remain social outcasts for the entirety of their lives, perhaps being forced to turn to crime. With this in mind young Miss Bingham was on the way to her cabin to cry for her large nosed, unborn, criminal children.

Have I mentioned that the odious man also has a habit of luring the gulls which follow our ship to him with bits of bread, and then spitting on the gulls when they come within range? He finds this a great game and even keeps a score card of sorts. He has attempted to entice almost everyone on the ship to join him in this “sport”, even the ladies. But he has of yet to find any takers.

I should also say, though to do so would be breaking a confidence, that Professor  Ponte believes that the odious man is following us with the intention to steal the clockwork weasel.

Misc ON TONY from shut up little man

Tony has transcended mere humanity and now strides the world as a white trash god. Traveling the highways and by ways, distributing the miracle of television to drunken, fighting alcoholics everywhere. A Night Train Santa of the alleys. A T...hunderbird bodisatva, who's wise discourse on matters mechanical, may only be shared with true seekers and true believers. He is the slightly sour smell of compost on the wind, the whiff of Camel smoke by a gas station john, the waterlogged pages of an old porn mag left in the rain outside a hobo jungle. Tony is everywhere.

Cold tile, warm piss, body and mouth screaming for a fix. The flashing red and blue urban church bell sirens call the way to the recent converts. 5.55mm lightning in a foreign jungle. Through all of this...Tony is t...rying to sleep.

What have you seen in those things?
What have you done in them?
Do you know where the missing are?
Do you have answers that could end a families questions,
...ease their pain?
Have you sat numb as red turns to rust and mixes with
the water and leaves that run down the gutter in the rain?
Did you keep a memento? A trophy? A reminder?
Tony doesn't want your pants. No one wants your pants.
Tony has his own.

You're old enough now to be in on the joke.
Are you laughing yet?
You're old enough now to see the big picture.
Are your eyes open yet?
...You're old enough now to know you're not anonymous
Are you famous yet?
Does he care?
Or was he drunk by the time you got home?

Verse EARL

So, I'll admit this is pretty lowbrow, but it still amuses me. Picture a banjo in the background and I think this would make for a pretty funny country style song. It does owe a debt to the songs of C.W. McCall of "Convoy" fame. So with my apologies, here's "Earl."

Me an’ Earl was up at black bear lake

He was takin’ a leak and shakin’ the snake

When a bear come out and bit him on the wang

That bear was better ‘an a black an decker

It bit right through poor Earl’s pecker

And then took off a runnin’ through the woods

I said “Earl we got a problem here

Your willy’s run off with that bear.”

But he was just a cryin’ on the ground

Damn you gotta help me son!

Get my Johnson, grab your gun

And don’t you let that dang bear get away

My daddy didn’t raise little Earl Lee

To be man that had to sit to pee

I can’t go back to town without my thing.

So I took off runnin’ down the trail

Fifteen yards behind it’s tail

But damn that bear was faster than it looked

And in it’s mouth Earl’s manhood hung

Floppin’ ‘round like a mutant tongue

And the bear run off the trail into the woods

Them trees were thicker ‘an grass on a lawn

I was stumblin’ through ‘em like a new born fawn

That bear was getting smaller all the time

It must have been an hour or more

My breathin’ hurt, my legs were sore

But’ round here friends don’t let each other down

I lost my gun while crossin’ a crick

And one of my shoes to get this prick

I was startin to think this bear had maybe won

When all of a sudden, what did I see?

That stupid bear climbed up a tree

I got you know you hairy son of bitch

Well I chased ya over hill and hollow

Now drop that…Wait! No! please don’t swallow!

And I swear that bear just looked me in the eye

I though it was over, but I was wrong

It opened it’s mouth and dropped Earl’s dong

And I was too damn tired to even move

My heart was poundin’ from the chase

As Earl’s weiner just missed my face

And with plop it landed on the ground

It looked like a piece of hamburger beef

I picked it up with a stick and a leaf

Then I turned and looked up in the tree

Well Bear, I guess you met your match

But you didn’t leave much to reattach

I don’t think ol Earl’ll be too pleased

He won’t have kids, can’t please his wife

On second thought, how’s that change his life?

I made it back to camp just after dark

I’m sure that there’s a lesson here

Like don’t get your winky bit off by a bear

But I’m pretty sure that goes without my sayin’

And Earl? I guess he’s doin’ fine

He’s fixin’ trucks on five and vine

I guess the doctors did all they could do

He’s a good mechanic and he ain’t no fool

But his garage is always shy one tool.

Any way I told ya all I know

So if you go up to black bear lake

Then watch for bears for heaven’s sake

And oh yeah, take a leak before you go.

Verse MOUSE

One night I woke up hungry

And as I went to get some food

I saw a mouse run past me

And I though it very rude

He ran across my kitchen

And through a tiny door

It was way too small for me to use

So I lay down on the floor

What I saw when I looked in

You won’t believe at all

There was a whole mouse city

There behind my kitchen wall

The mice were dressed in old time clothes

And wandered down the street

Smiling at their fellow mice

And walking on two feet.

There were streets and sidewalks Shops and homes,

each one lit up bright

And many toys I though I’d though I lost

Were used by them each night.

Several of my wind up cars

were rattling down the road

and a toy truck I was missing

here hauled a cheesy load

When we moved I’d lost a train

A toy one very nice

But here it was inside the wall

And used by little mice

Tomorrow I would come back

And make a little noise

I’d have to ask the mayor mouse

To give back all my toys

But I was getting sleepy

So a grabbed a little snack

And thought of what I’d say when

In the morning I came back

When I woke up to the sunlight

I searched the kitchen wall

But couldn’t find the little door

It wasn’t there at all.

Misc BONE LONESOME

There are those who say civility is a thin veneer, a glossy pretty coating that hides the true nature of any town. In the case on Bone Lonesome, this veneer was like the veneer of a cheap table left out in the rain for years. It was a grey peeling layer barely clinging to sagging, rotting pressboard beneath. You could see it in the eyes of the people who lived there, you could see that it took extreme effort on their part not to lose it. Not to run screaming down the street cutting the throats of their neighbors and collecting their blood in whiskey bottles for no other reason then just to have it. It was not a friendly town, not on the surface and certainly not in the rotting truth that lay beneath. But Bone Lonesome was were Mr. Peabody was heading, where he had been “relocated” to, and in this economy even living in Bone Lonesome seemed better than no job at all.

Misc PARTIAL DIARY FOUND IN AN OLD HOUSE

Day 6

Ok, it’s dead I get that but Jesus! Why the hell won’t it stop banging on the wall?! Does it think it’s going to knock a hole through or maybe I’ll just open the door and let it in? It reminds me of this old refrigerator I used to have that made the most irritating noise. This morning I actually broke out my guitar and played along with the beat of it’s hammering but that only made it hammer harder and the whole song was ruined. I even find myself tapping my foot in time with the rhythm. I think it’s going to drive me insane.

I suppose I could just go out and kill it, or whatever happens to make them stop moving. But then I will be alone. Truly alone.


Day 7

I found some old boxing gloves in the cellar today while looking for something besides besides peach preserves to eat. I’m going to go out and try and put them on the son of a bitch. Oh yeah, I’m going to tase it first. Wish me luck.


Day 8

Yeah that plan didn’t work out so well. I got bit. But I did get one glove on. So that’s something.I’m pretty tired. I think I’ll go back to bed. God I wish it would stop pounding.

Lost Letter Dear Mama

Dear mama,
Trevor went out to the farm today and he was mad. I mean real angry. He cursed the president, the federal government and even God. Can you imagine that? I ain’t never heard nobody curse God before. For a bit I was scared to stand next to him but then I figured God’s probably got a pretty good aim if he wants to.
The barn was gone of course as was the house, well except for the cellar. I told Trevor that at least we still got the cellar, you know, trying to look on the bright side of things. But he said the cellar weren’t nothing but a hole in the ground and a hole is the absence of something, it was worse than nothing. I told him that maybe we could build the new house next to the old one and use the hole as a swimming pool, but he just glared at me and said there wasn’t gonna be a new house.
Most of the corn is gone too, squashed flat. The ground’s been packed tight as cement. It’s gonna take a lot of work to make anything grow here for a while. Out near the end of the step we found his haulin’ truck, where he left it only it was smashed all to bits. Flat as a pancake. I was gonna make a joke about a toe truck, but seein’ how mad he was I just kept quiet.
Anyway it looks like we’re gonna be moving. Donna and Carl said we could stay with them for awhile until we get back on our feet, then we may head up your way. Trevor said he’ll be good God damned if he’s gonna stay in a state with giants, government grants or no government grants.
Anyway take care and write soon.
-Louisa

Lost Letter Dear Dave

I should note that I wrote this 2 years before the current world money situation.



Dave,

It seems like the airconditioning is making more noise than ususal. I guess I could have it fixed but I don't even know who to call. To tell you the truth, it's so old now that I'm not even sure the air coming out of it is any cooler than the outside. Maybe it's just the sound it makes that makes me feel cooler. A memory form a time when it worked, from a time a lot of thing around here worked including myself. I went for a walk today under a sky that felt like being trapped inside a beer bottle. I couldn't help but feel that somewhere up there, just beyond the last gray cloud there was actually a blue sky. Blue, you remember blue? I mean a real pure natural blue. The only blues I see these days are neon and bruises. Do people rust? It looks like everything around here is turning to rust. The cars, the buildings even the homeless guys are getting rusty. I don't think there's enough oil left in the ground to loosen up this town and to stop it from squeaking when the wind blows. You know Gerald's brother has a friend who drives a rig, he say's you gotta go about 400 miles in any direction before it feels like you've gone anywhere. Everything is just brown. He say's there's another hanging highway leading into Atlanta. I guess it's some kind of statement. He showed me a picture he took. These people climb up them really tall light poles they got lining the freeway and hang themselves. This photo just showed miles of bodies hanging in the air, way up there. There's no money to cut them down anymore so they just swing until the rope breaks guess. I heard these people just max out their credit, live like kings for a month or so and then end it as big middle finger to the banks. He had one picture of a guy hangin' in a tee shirt that said "Thanks for the ride." another one said "Coming out ahead, priceless." Seems
like all of them have some witty statement on their shirts. Reminds me of a kind of rotting, hanging Burma shave sign that goes on for miles. Well, you might be to young to remember Burma shave. I gotta go, the cat's at the back door again, I guess he wants me to share dinner again. I could use the company.

-Clemen

Lost Letter DEAR LILY

Dear Lily

It rained again last night as it has for the past twelve nights. Even though the mud it leaves in its wake is of a particularly sole devouring nature (I lost my left shoe to it last Tuesday, if you’ll pardon my little joke.) I think that I shall miss it when and if it stops. It is a constant companion in a time of few friends and drums me gently to sleep with liquid fingers on the roof of this old house. I tell you Lily and I know you will understand, that it’s very strange being back here after all these years. Comforting, yes, but also sad and painfully lonesome. With all the past ghosts living here I’m surprised there’s room enough for me to walk down the hallway. Do you remember that chair railing in the parlor? I was dusting it when I found that spot where you lost your front tooth. Remember? We were playing and I pushed you? Mama got so mad us that day. But seeing that little indentation made me smile.

I saw that Istvan boy the other day. He was running, naked and a jay bird, down that little alley between the old revival church and the rust garden. He didn’t see me though. I must confess that I know I should have felt some shock at seeing this half grown boy out in the streets in nothing but his birthday suit, and I might have been if it weren’t for that…I don’t know what to call it…clacker he was using. He was running back and forth looking in every fence hole and drain pipe shouting some name or other and clacking this wooden clacker. It was an odd sight. But then I suppose it’s to be expected from the child of foreigners. I swear Lily it’s like they don’t even want to learn the rules of this country that took them in and offered them freedom and comfort. Why they just don’t go back to whatever “istan” they came from is beyond me.

Oh but that reminds me. I had the oddest visit the other day. Do you remember Dr. Winslow? Well he’s retired now, but his son Bo took up the calling and is now the town doctor, I suppose this town will always have its Dr. Winslow. It just seems fitting, change is such trying thing. Anyway, as I was saying, Dr. Winslow, the new Dr. Winslow that is stopped by the house just after lunch last Thursday. I thought it was maybe a package I had to sign for or maybe a flower delivery from some secret admirer (As if). But there was the new Dr. Winslow standing under an absolutely monstrous umbrella. He said he was just out for a walk and thought he would check in with some people and see how the rain was treating them. I told him the rain was treating me just fine. I invited him in and we had tea and passed the time in pleasant enough conversation. Then he starts asking me the strangest questions. Like had I seen anything odd at night, outside? Only the rain I said, and that isn’t all that odd, especially at this time of year. He asked if I had seen any lights out there or heard anything unusual. Then he asked if I was sleeping alright. I told him I was. All this time he’s looking at my eyes. Not into my eyes, but at them, although he’s doing it in such a manner that I’m guessing I wasn’t supposed to notice. All those times I thought about how nice it would be to have a handsome young doctor look into my eyes were erased by this rather forward and disturbing behavior. The questions he asked! I shall see if I can remember some of them…Have any strangers come to the door recently? Has anyone tried to enter the house? (I tell you Lily it will be a wonder if I sleep again after that one.) Have I heard any strange sounds like loud sniffing noises outside my door or windows? Have I noticed any strange symbols drawn on any of the doors or windows? Have I heard anyone call my name after midnight? Well I was getting a powerful case of the fright chills and called attention to the late hour and how I had several more chores to do before supper. Oh I know that was a lie, and I do feel badly about saying it, but I was getting scared. The old Dr. Winslow would never arrive at a body’s home uninvited and start asking such questions. Just thinking about them put the devil to work on my poor imagination. You know I have an overactive imagination to begin with, I have since we were children. Remember those stories I used to tell you hangman ghosts and hobo walking shoes? Oh but those were just stories and we would get so scared that we just had to sleep with mama and papa in that big old bed of theirs. But these questions the young Dr. Winslow was asking…they didn’t feel like stories. Anyway, Dr. Winslow apologized for the visit and said that if it was alright with me he would check on me in a few days. Well I have to tell you that it wasn’t alright with me, not at all. But what could I say? It would be rude to say no, so I smiled and nodded my head ever so slightly, hoping he wouldn’t notice. But he did. Doctors are very observant people you know. Almost like detectives.

So now I have had to use the tonic to get to sleep. Yes I know, there’s no need to lecture me and I know you won’t mention it in your return letter. This is a medical use. I need it to sleep. It’s not like it was before, I promise you that. And anyway it’s a different tonic, this is professor Goodsir’s nighttime tonic. He’s a real professor, it says so right on the label. And I don’t care to believe that a learned gentleman like a professor, who after all went through years of school and hard work, would sell anything but the highest quality pharmaceuticals. And besides it tastes like rotten fish so it has to be good.

Anyway, I do have to be going dearest Lilly. Write to me soon won’t you?

Hugs.

-Franny



P.S. I found doodlekins, your old stuffed bear. He was behind the preserves. If you wish I can send him to you. I’m sure you miss him.

Misc OLD MAN

The old man believed that his happiness was his own responsibility and to this end he provided himself everyday with opportunities to be happy. The first of these opportunities arrived every morning when the old man awoke. He coughed and sputtered and summoned up all the phlegm that a night of sleeping with the window open could produce and with a thrust of his head spat the yellow gob out the window.
Now this first action was a bit of a gamble. If the old man managed to successfully spit out the window he was well pleased with himself, if he failed it could put a bad spin on the rest of his day. Though as he often told himself, success without risk isn’t worth the effort. Since he never cleaned up after a missed spit there was an area around the window that appeared to have been badly varnished with a mix of shellac and lumpy porridge.
The reason the old man slept with his window open was so that he would awaken when people were walking on the sidewalk below him. He loved sunny days best of all, days when people did not carry umbrellas. Those days when his intended though random targets would have no protection. His second opportunity for happiness came when flying mucus managed to connect with an unsuspecting pedestrian. When this happened he would laugh long and loud making a sound like a frog being dragged across a cheese grater.
The old man had a rubber stamp he taken from a child’s play set. The stamp was of a pig as seen from the side. Each time he heard someone outside cry out in disgust upon having a ball of unctuous slime the side of his face or run down her collar, the old man, when he was done laughing would always say the same thing. “Squeal for Jesus piggy pig.” And he would push the stamp in a pad of red ink and press it to the wall opposite his bed.
He currently had an army of red pigs covering the wall and marching toward his bedroom door, the older ones starting to fade.
The old man stepped back and looked at the wall. He nodded in a self satisfied manner and throwing on a dirty old robe headed to the kitchen for happiness opportunity number three.

He smelled of onions and urine and mentholated rubbing ointment. He stood at his ancient electric stove as a blob of white lard slid along the bottom of a spotted pan, turning to a clear liquid as it went. The old man watched as people made their way up and down the busy street opposite him.
“Nice hair, Gomez.” He snarled under his breath.
The old man took a plate of chopped liver from his humming refrigerator and dumped the purple meat into the pan. A cloud of smoke and a loud sizzle filled the small kitchen.
“Yeah, that’s some eatin’” He chortled.
The he leaned out the window and shouted “You smell that Gomez? That’s some real food! Jealous? I bet!”
Several people turned and looked as they walked, but no one stopped. The man he had dubbed Gomez was long gone.
“Yeah, real food.” He mumbled. “None of your corns and beans and burros here. That stuff gives me gas and tastes like the floor in the free clinic.”
He lifted the pan to the window and blew across it’s surface.
“Real food Gomez! Do you smell it?”
The pan tipped and a piece of liver slipped out and fell to the street below. The old man’s mouth opened in disbelief.
“Goddammit! That’s mine! Shrieked the old man. Don’t you touch it! “

Misc THE FAMILY

They were a mongoloid family to whom the idea of contact with water
outside of being caught in the rain, was a foreign one. They reeked
of sour milk and willful ignorance. Their slack jawed progeny destroyed
any family line they became entangled with, which fortunately or unfortunately
were few, for they were an inbred lot.
Those who knew them, and no one outside their clan knew them well, placed their
intelligence and ingenuity at the level of the lesser tool using primates. Being
unsophisticated and lacking any form of discretion, their faces were a panoply of
lust, fear and rage in various degrees and combination.
They did not worship the god of their neighbors but instead prayed to a jar they
claimed contained the “Tiny Boy”. And through an extension of this reverence, they
followed the wishes of the “Tiny Boy’s” mother, now bent and aged but far from frail.

Lost Letter DEAR POPE

I ain’t Catholic or nuthing, but my friend Luanne says you got a God on speed dial and there’s something I got to ask him real bad. So I was wondering if maybe you could pass on a message for me? If you’re too busy please tell God that I’ll be praying to him Thursday night at nine pm and again on Friday morning at eleven am (Just in case he missed the first one and doesn’t have a prayer Tivo.)
Anyway, about two weeks ago Peter Raymond asked me to the dance at Hoppner’s and asked if I would wear that blue dress he likes. The thing is, I ain’t got no blue dress and what’s more I never had no blue dress, least not since I was nine and I didn’t know Peter Raymond when I was nine. Now Billi Ferner has a blue dress, I know cause it’s her favorite and she wears it all the time. Now Pope, I don’t know if God already told you all this, but I got to know if Peter Raymond maybe thought my violet dress was blue, or if he’s been seeing Billi Ferner behind my back, because if he has I ain’t going to no Hoppner’s dance with him. The skunk.
My friend Luanne say’s you live all the way over in that country that looks like a boot, so I hope you get this in time. You know that country has always bothered me cause it’s just one boot. Boots come in pairs. Where’s the other boot? It’s not God to just make one boot. Even folks who lose their leg get one of them fake ones so they have something to put the other boot on. I ain’t never seen a person wearing one boot lest they about to put on another…or maybe one of them pirates from the old days who had one boot and a stick on the other leg. But that’s just dumb. How hard is it to carve a foot on that stick so they have something to put the other boot on?
Also I don’t know if they listen to country music over there in Bootistan or whatever it’s called, but there’s this really pretty song about a woman who’s driving down the road with her little baby. Then she loses control of the car and it goes sliding and everyone thinks she’s going to die. But you know what happens? Jesus comes down from heaven and take over the driving and she gets safely home. How come they don’t teach about this in the Bible? I take comfort from this. It used to be that I’d go out and get real hammered on the weekends (and some weeknights) and then I would have to wait for Peter Raymond to give me a ride home because he only drinks beer and I like Jack Daniels, everyone knows that Jack’ll get you drunker ‘en beer. Anyway Now I don’t have to wait for stupid old Peter Raymond, cause if I’m too drunk to drive and it looks like I might crash, I know Jesus will take the wheel and drive me home. It’s like the Lord is my designated driver. Anyway it’s a good song and I think you should give it a listen, it’s by that girl on the singing show.

That’s all for now. Please pass on my message to God and thanks.

- Lisa Jean Hammond

P.S. I just gotta ask. Is it that pointy hat that lets you talk to God? I won’t tell no one, but I just might try making one for myself if it is. I won’t interrupt your talks with God though, I know you was in line first.

Stump THE FERGETTIN' PIT

There’s this place out in the woods we used to play in. It has ends of old cars sticking out of it. We liked to look at all the out of state plates. Sam said it was no place for young un’s. He said that’s where the old fergettin’ pit was before they filled it in and dug a new one a few miles away. The fergettin’ pit is were folks toss stuff they don’t want no more or stuff they want to forget about. It used to smell real bad round there. I don’t know why anbody would want to forget about an old car, but there sure were a lot of them around there.

Stump FALL

I like the way the leaves look in the fall, all orange and red. But I don’t like the fall night screams. Sam say’s the screams is just a part of nature, like the leaves turnin’, but they ain’t pretty like the leaves. Sometimes I think I hear words in the screams, like “No” and “God”. I told Sam about the words and he gave me the switch for blaspheming. The screams usually last for about a week. Sometimes they just kinda fade away, other times they just stop suddenly. When they do it always takes awhile for the normal night noises to come back.

Stump SALESMAN

One time this salesman came to town and tried to sell us some cook pots. They was real nice. Better’n ours. We didn’t have no money but Sam invited him and told me to go down to the creek for some water. When I got back Sam said that the salesman had to leave but because he liked us so much he gave us some of the pots for free. He must have really liked Sam because he gave him his jacket and hat too

Stump TEETH

Some folks just like to collect stuff. Sam collects teeth. He’s got a big ol’ jar of em’ Some even got real gold in em. Norma and me got to talkin’ and we figured if I put that jar under my pillow I could get rich and maybe buy her somethin’ nice. Only Sam caught me sneakin it to my room and popped me good in the face. He even knocked out a tooth. He said if I wanted to get rich I could put that under my pillow and he’de make sure I had some more to give to if I touched his teeth again. I didn’t get no kickle for it.

Stump SAUSAGE JOHN

Sausage John come down from the hills yesterday. We call him Sausage John ‘cause he makes real good sausages. Our favorite is one he calls “hunter blend”. He always laughs when he say’s “hunter Blend” and Sam always smiles. I laugh too but I don’t get what’s so funny. It’s good eatin though and he always brings me a new hat.

Stump PLAY

One time Sam took me to this play. I ain’t never seen no play before. It was with real actors from out of town and everything. Sam was even in the play. I didn’t really get what it was about but they were screamin’ and cryin’. Sam was yellin’ and laughin’ and pokin’ em with sticks and things. The whole town thought it was really funny. Then they got nailed to wooden crosses and stuck up on a hill. It looked almost as real as that movie show I saw once. It was long play. It was still goin’ on a couple of days later. After that the actor’s left. I don’t know where they went but I hope they come back.

Stump PLEH

There’s this old cabin about a mile down that over grown trail. I found it once when I got lost playin’ hide-an-seek with Sissy and Norma. It smells real bad around there. Someone had wrote somethin’ on the window in jam. It was kinda hard to read but I could make it out. I think it said PLEH only all the letters were backwards. I guess they ain’t too good with letters. I don’t know what PLEH means. Must be their name.

Stump THE GRANDPA LAMP

We have this old lamp in the house called the Grampa lamp. I don’t know why they call it that but it’s keen old lamp. It’s got an anchor on the shade, cause grampa was in the navy. I thought maybe he got the lamp in some far off country, but I heard that Sam made the lamp. I never met my grampa.

Stump DIGGIN'

I was diggin in the garden and I found all these white sticks. I showed ‘em to Sam and he got real mad. He made me put them back in the ground and promise I wouldn’t dig there anymore. I don’t know why he got so mad, cause sometimes at night, I see him diggin’ there too.

Stump BANGIN'

I couldn’t sleep last night again. That damn celler door wouldn’t stop bangin’. I wish Sam would do something about it. He knows I don’t sleep to good. But Sam say’s they’re better if they’re scared. He say’s it just makes ‘em taste better. I don’t know if that’s true but they sure keep me up nights.

Stump LETTING OFF STEAM

So the boys went up to the mountains this week. Sissy say’s not to be so worried. She says they just need to let off a little steam. They’ll be up there for a day or two, maybe three, and then come on down. Never lasts more than a few days. Besides, this time it ain’t anybody we know, just some hitchhiker they found near the crossroads.

STUMP an INTRODUCTION

While writing Bus Stop, I would have much darker stories come to mind. To get them out I created Stump, which shares a voice with Bus Stop but really are the stories of a naïve boy who lives in a pretty isolated mountain community where all is not well.

BUS STOP an INTRODUCTION

Bus stop is made up of the stories of a boy, perhaps 10 years old who rides the bus everywhere. The stories are his thoughts, observations and things that have happened to him. While many are based on my own life, the stories themselves are fiction. I have to admit that the character of the cousin is based on myself.

DROPPED CHANGE

Once I dropped my bus fare and the bus’ wheel stopped right on top it. I told Gus that he was parked on my money, but he told me he couldn’t move the bus until I paid him. I asked how I was supposed to pay him if the bus was parked on my money?

All he said was “welcome to my world.” Then he drove off and I had to walk home. I don’t like Gus.

DISEASE

Me and my cousin and Spencer were on the bus coming home from a movie and we saw an army guy get on the bus. He was wearing a uniform and everything. My cousin told Spencer that the army guy was probably on the bus because some monkey disease has started making everyone sick. And the army guy was going to take us to a big building where we couldn’t leave and they would poke us and do experiments on us. And the army guy would shoot anyone who tried to leave. I got really scared and Spencer started to cry. Everyone was looking at us. The army guy asked what was wrong and Spencer told him that he hasn’t seen any monkeys and that he’s not sick and doesn’t want to go to a big building and get shot. Then Gus made us get off the bus. I hope he gets a monkey disease.

BIRDS

Yesterday when I was on the bus with my cousin we heard something hit the window. I didn’t see what it was but my cousin said it was a bird. Then he said that he saw this movie once where all the birds got really mad at people and pecked at them and got tangled in people’s hair. My cousin said that in the movie, birds started flying into windows before they got really mad. We looked out the window for more birds but didn’t see any. Then at our bus stop there was a pigeon and a crow. I couldn’t tell, but they looked mad so we rode to the next stop and got off there.

HITCHHIKER

My cousin told me about this ghost called the phantom hitchhiker. She stands out in the middle of the road in a long dress and tries to get people to give her a ride. When they do she always has them drive out to the old graveyard and then she scares them so that they have a heart attack and die. For a long time I was scarred to ride the bus at night but then I thought that if she was hitchhiking she probably didn’t have bus fare. So I was safe.

ADS

The other day I was riding the bus home and it got stuck in traffic. I was looking at the ads over the seats, one ad showed a bunch of happy people sitting on the bus as it flew over a traffic jam. The bus in the picture had big wings. I asked Gus why he didn’t drive a bus with big wings so we could fly over traffic. He asked my why I didn’t mind my own business and made me walk home. After I got home I had a glass of lemonade and was sitting out in the front yard when I saw the bus go by. I must have beat it home. I waved at Gus but he looked mean me at shook his fist.

MR. BROWN

One day I was going to the park to try out a new kite I made in school and this man got on. My friend Spencer used to mow his lawn. His name is Mr. Brown. Spencer doesn’t mow his lawn any more because Mr. Brown say’s he knew what Spencer was up to and he wasn’t going to allow it anymore. He never said what Spencer was up to and Spencer didn’t know. But after Mr. Brown had asked him to leave. My friend Spencer saw him in his yard hammering carrots into the ground and then putting little hats on all the carrots. Mr. Brown is weird.

NOTE: Mr. Brown is the main character of a novel I have been working on. If there is any interest, I will post chapters here.

BUS FARE

Another thing happened since I came back to my aunt’s house. I was riding on the bus to go into town on a Saturday because I was going to meet Spencer and my cousin to go see a movie. The bus was half way to the theatre and Gus asked me if I knew that the bus fare had gone up. I said that I didn’t know it had gone up. He asked me how much I had and I told him I just had enough for bus fare and a movie. He said that it wasn’t enough bus fare and that I would have to pay more. But then I wouldn’t have enough to go to the movie. So Gus stopped the bus and told me that that was as far as he could take me for the old bus fare. I had to walk the rest of the way and I missed the movie anyway.

ARMS AND HEADS

You know how they don’t like you to stick your head or arm outside the bus window? My cousin say’s it’s because sometimes there’s this big monster that rides around on the tops of buses. This monster grabs people’s arms and heads when they stick out and rips them off. Then he eats them. My cousin say’s the monster likes heads best of all. One time we stood on a walkway over the road and looked down at the top of buses to see if we could see the monster. But all we saw were numbers. Now I’m glad they don’t let us open the windows. Maybe Gus isn’t so bad after all.

WORK

I was waiting for the bus a while ago and this guy comes up and asks if I want to buy a copy of the glorious people’s paper. I told him that I only had enough money for the bus. He said that to be free from the shackles of the ‘pressive “bushwaazee” was worth a  walk home. I told him I wasn’t shackled and he told me I was fooling myself and that I was being groomed for a life of mindless servitude. I guess I did have to do the dishes a lot and take out the trash and make my bed. He said the man was keeping me down. I said it wasn’t a man it was my aunt. I didn’t want to do any more chores so I bought a paper. It was filled with happy looking people holding tools and articles I couldn’t understand. When I finally got home I told my aunt I wasn’t going to do the dishes because I didn’t want to be chained with depression. Then I gave her the newspaper. She told me it was all about workers and if I was that interested in work I could start by doing the dishes. Stupid paper.

BIG HOUSE

There was new bus driver when we got back from visiting my uncle. His name was ‘Okmed’. I don’t think he was from this country because he talked different. He was really nice and never made me walk home. I asked him where Gus was, but he didn’t know. One of the other passengers said he bet Gus was dropping a dime in the big house. I didn’t know what that meant so when I got home I asked my cousin. He said it was another way of saying he was going to the bathroom. But my Aunt said it meant he had done something bad and they put him in jail. Then on Monday I saw Gus driving the bus again and asked him what he had done to be put in jail. He got mad and said he had been on vacation and that he didn’t want snotty kids on his bus. I had to walk home. I wish ‘Okmed’ would come back.

REFLECTIONS

On the bus ride back to my aunt’s house we had a lot of trouble falling asleep. So after it got dark we just sat and looked out the window. We went by lots of lights and a lot more stuff that was just dark. There’s a lot of dark at night. It seemed like everything had just disappeared and we were floating through nothing. The only thing I could see was the inside of the bus reflected in the windows. I made a face at my cousin and he made one back at me. Then we pretended that we were outside the bus trying to get in. It was fun. Pretty soon though we got tired and fell asleep. When we woke up the world was back. Streets and grass and cows and everything.

TRAINS

We have to leave my uncle’s place this week because vacation is over. It sure has been a fun summer I like the country and I’m glad that we haven’t been ‘ducted or eaten. I guess that means we’ll be riding that big nice bus back home. My cousin say’s he’s sick of riding the bus and he wants to hop freight trains to get home and eat baked beans out of the can and sleep in hobo camps. My uncle say’s that my cousin isn’t old enough to hop freights and that it’s against the law. He say’s that there aren’t any hobo’s any more just drug addicts and murderers. He said that sometimes they let you on the train and then when you’re asleep they kill and rob you. That got my cousin all scarred so now he wants to take the bus. I’m glad because that’s a long trip when you don’t have someone to talk to.

STUCK

I was on the bus once and a dog ran in front of the bus so the bus skidded to a stop. But then when it tried to start again it wouldn’t move forward because it was stuck on the train tracks. Everyone started to panic and the bus driver was yelling all kinds of bad words. A guy behind me said that if a train came now we would all die screaming in a holocaust of fire and twisted steel. This made some people cry. The bus driver told everyone to get off the bus and push. So we all did and the bus made it over the tracks. I thought that because we helped we should get to ride for free. But the bus driver made us pay anyway.

ASSASSIN

My Uncle was going to work late so he gave me and my cousin some money to go see a movie in Coopville. But about a mile from my uncle’s house the bus broke down. The bus driver got really mad because he said the bus had just been looked at and was running fine. My cousin said that the bus broke down because someone on the bus was a telepathic and they were using their brainpower to stop the bus. He said that lot’s of times telepathic people get jobs killing other people for money. My cousin said that probably someone on the bus was going to have their head explode. We waited but nobody’s head exploded and they couldn’t fix the bus so we had to walk home.

COMBUSTION

The summer is getting really hot. Sometimes on the bus it’s so hot that it’s hard to breathe. My cousin say’s that maybe it isn’t really hot out and the only reason we’re feeling hot is because of this thing he calls “spoteneous human ‘bustion”. My cousin say’s that maybe it’s really cold out and we’re about to burst into flames and all they’ll find is part of a foot or an ear or something. He say’s it happens all the time. But everyone on the bus seems to be hot so I don’t think it’s “Spotenous human ‘bustion”. Besides the bus driver say’s it’s 95 degrees out.

PRISONERS

Last night we stayed up late watching a movie on tv about these prisoners. In the movie the prisoners always took this bus out to the fields where they were chained up and the broke rocks with picks. And they sang these songs about ‘miss ippi. We didn’t know who ‘miss Ippi’ was but everybody seemed to know her. So today when we got on the bus we pretended it was a prison bus. My cousin called the bus driver warden. I thought that was really funny.

BURNT BUILDING

The bus stop that we normally wait at burned down so now we have to wait by a stop sign. An old man waiting for the bus said terrorists burnt down the bus stop to undermine the US economy. He bet that all over the country bus stops had been burned down all at the same time. He said some middle east country burned them down so that people wouldn’t take the bus and drive their cars instead and that would use more oil. He told  us that he’d been waiting for this day and in his basement he had a gun and some food and water. He also said that he was just taking the bus into town for some more supplies and then he was going home to stay in his basement and watch for “Forneers”. But after we got on the bus we saw that all the other bus stops weren’t burned down. We asked the old man why they weren’t burned down too, but all he said was that it was just a matter of time.

CAR

Yesterday me and my cousin were waiting for the bus because we were going to the movies in Coopville. While we were waiting my cousin told me about this movie he had seen about this car that had come to life and was killing people. Mostly by running them over. He said you couldn’t tell the car was alive on the outside but on the inside the radio would come. And the car would drive up to people and they wouldn’t know it was alive and then SPLAT! I asked if other things could come to life. He said they didn’t in the movie but if cars can he thought other things could also, like trucks and buses. Just then we saw the bus coming down the road. We tried to tell if it had come to life but couldn’t. We tried to hear if it’s radio was on but the bus was making to much noise. We got scarred and ran back to my uncle’s house. I guess we’ll have to see the movie later.

HUNGER

One time me and my cousin were riding the bus and the bus broke down. It was way out in the middle of no where. The bus didn’t even have a radio like they do in the city. The bus started to get really hot so we all got out and waited by the side of the road. No cars drove by. People started to get really hungry and thirsty. My cousin said that when ships and airplanes break down and people get really hungry they have to eat each other. He said that’s what always happens. I bet it’s the same for buses. A little girl heard us talking and started to cry. I started to get scarred because I didn’t want to be eaten. I looked around at the other people and none of them looked very tasty. Then a truck drove up and gave us all a ride into town. I’m glad because what I really wanted was a hamburger.

TRUCKS

There are a lot of big trucks that go by the street in front of my uncle's house. I see them go by when I wait for the bus. My Uncle say's that if you raise and lower your arm sometimes they honk their horns. My Uncle says that trucks are like ships and that they carry stuff all across the country, like food and clothes. Once I saw a show on tv about lighthouses. Lighthouses stop ships from running into rocks and help them find their way at night. I got worried that maybe the trucks might run into my uncle's house or maybe get lost because there was no lighthouse nearby. So last night I went out and turned on the headlights on my Uncle's truck. This morning he was really upset because his battery was dead. I don't know why it died but I hope he gets a new one, I don't want any trucks to hit the house tonight either.

MOOSE

One time the bus was really late getting into town because a bunch of cows were walking in the road. I wonder why the call them cows and not moose. Cows moo, so moose would make more sense. But I guess then what would they call moose? I don’t know what kind of sound moose make. Maybe they moo too and got named first before people knew cows mooed, and then it was too late because people were already calling moose, moose. I asked the bus driver why they were called cows and he said it was because they were fat, stupid animals that wouldn’t get out of the road. But that didn’t make any sense either.

RADIO

Once I was on the bus, riding into town when these kids got on the bus. They were older kids and they had a radio. The played the radio really loud and people were getting mad. When the bus driver asked them to turn it off they said that it was a free country. So the bus driver stopped the bus and told them that they were free to get off. They got mad and said some bad words. The bus driver made them get off and walk home. Everybody clapped. I guess in the country the bus driver only makes you walk home if you’re noisy.

DIRT ROADS

There are a lot of dirt roads in the country. The have holes and bumps and rocks. One time I wasn’t paying attention ‘cause I was looking at my reflection in the window and making faces. And the bus went over a really big bump and I bit my tongue. It hurt really bad. I almost started to cry and a lady sitting across from me asked me what was wrong. Only I couldn’t answer too good ‘cause my tongue hurt. She asked if I was special. I said “I geff so”. She gave me a dollar and told me I was brave. When I got into town I bought an ice cream with the dollar and that made my tongue feel better. She was a nice lady.

HOTDOGS

My uncle was having a barbecue and he sent me and my cousin to into town to buy hot dogs and hot dog buns. When we were on the bus my cousin told me that hot dogs are made out of all the parts of animals you wouldn’t want to eat, like eyeballs and noses and butts and stuff. My cousin says that sometimes when pets run away they get made into hot dogs and lots of times gangsters get made into hot dogs too. When we got into town I didn’t really feel like eating hot dogs any more so I bought macaroni and cheese instead. But I found out you can’t barbecue it. When we got back my uncle asked why we hadn’t bought hot dogs like we were ‘ s’posed’ to. I told him it was because we didn’t want to eat noses and gangsters. He drove into town and got chicken instead. I’m glad he didn’t get mad.

CARNIVAL

Last weekend my cousin and I took the bus to the carnival that had come to town. We had a lot of fun. We went on a whole bunch of rides and ate cotton candy and played some games where you try to throw rings at bottles. My cousin asked a man who worked at the carnival where the freaks were because he really wanted to see some freaks. The man said there weren’t any freaks at carnivals any more because it wasn’t political. This made my cousin sad. Then he showed the man how he could bend his thumb all the way back. Well, most of the way back. But the man didn’t seem to care. All he said was “Don’t quit your day job.” I guess he wasn’t too smart, my cousin doesn’t even have a job. But if he did, I bet he would be a freak.

BEVERAGES ON THE BUS

Sometimes when I'm riding on the bus and the bus gets really, really hot I wish that they served soda on the bus. One time I brought my own soda on the bus but the bus went over a bump and I dropped the soda. I hadn't opened it yet so it didn't spill, But I couldn't find my soda bottle. I don't know where it went. Later when I was riding back to my uncle's house, the bus driver asked if I had left a soda on the bus. I told him I had 'cause I thought maybe he found it But the bus driver got really mad and said that the soda bottle had exploded while he was on lunch break because the bus got too hot. So now there's a sign that say's "No beverages on bus". I wonder if popcicles explode?

PIRATE TREASURE

One time I was waiting for the bus and it was real hot out. I could see these weird wavy things coming off the road. My cousin said they were the spirits of dead pirates guarding their buried treasure. A couple of days later it was all cloudy and the ghosts were gone. Me and my cousin got a shovel and a pick and a wheel barrow out of my uncle’s shed and went out to the road to dig for treasure. We found a big orange “X” painted on the road. My cousin say’s that “X” always marks the spot pirates bury their treasure. But just when we were getting ready to start digging a policeman drove up and told us to go home. I guess my cousin was wrong, I bet it’s police treasure buried there.

COUNTRY SIGHTS

It’s different riding the bus in the country. I see all kinds of things that I don’t see back home. Sometimes there are tractors driving on the road and there are a lot of old barns and lots of grass. Sometimes we go by this old house with a bunch of cars in the front yard. Most of them have weeds growing out of them and they’re all rusty. There’s also a toilet in the front yard. I’ve never seen anyone using it. I’m really glad my uncle keeps his toilet in the bathroom. I wouldn’t like to go to the bathroom in the front yard. Specially if people riding the bus could see me.

INTERLOPERS

Once I was riding on the bus with my cousin and we saw this old lady riding on the bus with us. She kept looking at us weird. My cousin say’s it’s because we’re “interlopers”. My cousin say’s that lots of times people in the country have secrets, like they worship the devil and stuff. And when new people come out to the country they’re called “Interlopers”. He said they like to go out into corn fields and wear robes and chant and sacrifice people. We got really scared. Everyone who got on the bus looked like a devil worshiper. Finally when we made it into town we both ran off the bus and called my uncle but he wasn’t home. My cousin said that if we say  “Praise the corn god” to people that they might think we were in on it and leave us alone. So that’s what we did. I guess it worked because people stayed away from us.

DIFFERENT BUS

One time we were waiting for the bus in Coopville and it was really late showing up. Finally an old rusty bus drove up. It wasn’t our regular bus but it stopped at the bus stop and we got on. The outside of the bus was funny. It had lots of things painted on it, rainbows and trees and symbols. The bus driver was really nice. He wore little red sun-glasses and called us man. He had long hair. Everyone on the bus had long hair and called us man. The bus smelled funny, like that bookstore near the 242 bus stop back home. I don’t think it was a regular bus. The bus driver dropped us off right in front of my uncle’s house. He even drove past the bus stop. I liked that bus but I haven’t ever seen it again.

LIGHTS

My cousin and me got home late from Coopville last Saturday. The bus didn’t drop us off until after dark. We sleep in the front room by the porch. When we went to bed we saw strange lights moving across the wall from the outside. My cousin said it was aliens. He said they were coming to mutilate things, like cows. He said the cows were going to be all cut up like they’ve been to the hospital. And some of their insides would be missing. We got really scared and tried to push the dresser in front of the door so they couldn’t get in. My uncle told us to stop making a racket. Later we found out the lights were headlights from cars. I guess aliens don’t drive cars.

MOOVIES

There isn’t a lot to do where my uncle lives. The town doesn’t even have a movie theater. So sometimes I take the bus with my cousin over to Coopville to go to the movies. The bus is really old and shakes a lot. The bus driver doesn’t have any teeth and spits when he talks, so we try to hurry onto the bus and sit down before he say’s anything. Usually there’s only a couple of people on the bus. My cousin say’s that if the dead were going to come back to life and start eating people, this would be a good place to be on account of there aren’t a lot of people. I asked him about the cows, and he said that dead cows get eaten so they can’t come back to life.

SODA

My uncle lives in a really small town. The bus dropped us off in front of a gas station. It was really hot out. We had some money left so we went in and bought some ice cream and sodas. I thought it would be neat to have a root beer float so I pushed some of the ice cream into the soda bottle with my finger. Only the soda started to fizz and foam out from the top of the bottle. I tried to stop the foam by putting my hand over the top of the bottle but it just started spraying every where. When my uncle showed up he made me ride in the back of his truck.

COWS

We rode a really big bus to my uncle’s town. It was the biggest bus I’ve ever been on. The bus driver was really nice. I liked him a lot more than Gus. He let us talk and didn’t mind if we opened the windows. We didn’t have to open the windows though because it was nice and cool on the bus. We drove by lots of neat stuff. I saw lots of big trucks, and hills, and sometimes I saw tractors. I even saw a bunch of horses. But mostly I saw cows. The first time we saw cows my cousin mooed at them and I thought that was really funny. So the next time we saw cows we both mooed. After a while some people asked us to stop mooing. I guess that was o.k. There were a lot of cows.

VACATION

I’m gonna be riding a new bus soon. My aunt says she’s sending me and my cousin to stay with my uncle this summer. My cousin say’s that my uncle lives way out in the country. And that out in the country, there’s these people called inbred mountain people. My cousin say’s that inbred mountain people live in shacks and sing about mules. And sometimes they’re “can of bulls”. I don’t know what “Can of bulls” are. My cousin say’s that means they eat people. I don’t think I’m going to like the country.

MONSTER

Last winter the bus changed it's route, so now, it goes down this long road that runs behind all those creepy factories and then loops back into town near the river. For a long time I was scared of that route, because I would see this monster standing on a hill watching the bus go by. It was always just before dark so I couldn't really see it that good. But it was real tall and had about 7 arms and a big mouth with lots of teeth and really wild hair. I didn't want to ride the bus anymore, so my aunt drove me out there during the day and I found out that it wasn't a monster. It was a stump.

LEFTOVERS

Sometimes the bus gets really crowded. Like when everyone is getting off work. I don’t like to ride then. Sometimes I can’t even find a place to sit. And sometimes it smells really bad. One time I forgot to put the leftovers in the ‘frigerator and I put them in cupboard instead. And then a week later my aunt called out a man to check under the house because she said an animal had died there. My cousin said it wasn’t an animal. He said people were buried under the house. He said the man who owned the house before my aunt must have been a murderer. Only it wasn’t a dead animal or people, it was the leftovers. We had to leave the doors and windows open all weekend. I wish the bus driver would let us open the windows sometimes, especially when it smells like leftovers.

RULES

One time I took the bus into town, only all the stores were closed because it was a holiday. But I didn’t know it was a holiday when I left. So I walked around for a while looking in windows until my bus showed up. Only the bus was late and Gus the bus driver said my transfer was no good and that I was trying to pull a fast one. But the only reason it was no good was because the bus came late. Gus said that rules were rules and that if he started making ‘ceptions’ now pretty soon punks would control the city and packs of wild dogs would chase people and cars would have to have guns on them so they could fight off robbers when they drive through the wasteland. I didn’t want all that, but I did want to get home. I think it was mean of Gus to make me walk.

ALLIGATORS

You know how sometimes when you look out of the bus window and you see smoke coming out of the manhole covers? My cousin told me that that’s because sometimes people get baby alligators for Christmas and they don’t want them, so they flush them down the toilet. And the alligators go into the sewer and get really big! My cousin say’s that they’re all white and breath fire. That’s why you see all the smoke. He say’s that sometimes, when they get really hungry they come up into people’s houses through their drains and eat them while they’re taking a bath. On days when I see smoke coming from manholes I won’t take a bath. I just go into the bathroom and watch for alligators. So far no alligators have tried to get into the bathtub, but I did hear a weird noise in the drain once.

MAD SCIENTIST

I was reading a comic book on the bus once, about this big monster that was created by a mad scientist that went around the city eating people. My friend Spencer’s dad is a scientist, but I’ve never seen him mad. I wonder if all scientists make monsters when they get mad, my cousin says they do. Last week Spencer said that he had broken the remote control to the tv and his dad got really mad. My cousin say’s he got so mad that he went into the basement and made a monster. I’ll bet that’s the noise I heard outside my window last night. My aunt said it was a raccoon, but now I think it was Spencer’s dad’s monster. It probably followed me home on account of I was over at Spencer’s house last week. In the comic book they killed the monster with an atomic bomb. All I have are some firecrackers. I hope they work.

PAPERS

One time I was on the bus and the man with tinfoil in his hat came and sat down next to me. He said that if this country keeps going the way it's going that it's going to be like  Russia or Canada. He said then I'd have to make sure my papers were in order, especially if I was riding the bus. Because if my papers weren't in order they would put me in jail. Or execute me. I asked him what papers. And he said my travel documents like my visa. Well I didn't have any travel documents or a visa, but my aunt has a mastercard. The next day when I was leaving, I took my aunt's mastercard in case the country had kept going. But I lost it on the bus. Later my aunt got a letter that made her really mad and asked if anyone had seen her mastercard. I told her what happened and that I had only borrowed it because I didn't want the country to kill me. She said it wasn't the country I had to worry about.

REAL HAIR KATEY

My cousin and me were going to take the bus downtown and watch a movie today. But my cousin got in trouble for telling the little girl down the street that her ‘real hair katey’ doll was really Satan. He said that when the little girl went to sleep ‘real hair katey’ would take her soul to hell. He said that hell was full of fire, and demons and that you stayed there forever. Later, the little girl’s dad came over and talked to my aunt. Now my cousin can’t go to the movies for 3 months. He said that a man on tv said all that stuff about ‘real hair katey.’ That must have been true because my cousin can’t watch tv for 3 months either.